Purple Toad

I do some occasional modeling. I don't take it too seriously - it's not like my phone is ringing off the hook, but it does provide some extra cash every once in a while. And really, models aren't striking poses for the money - they're simply indulging the little girl inside of them who still loves to play dress-up (or is that just me?). At any rate, getting paid to feel pretty isn't such a bad gig, so I always try to rearrange my schedule when I get a call in order to make every effort to get there. Sometimes living two hours from the shoot location and getting a call the day before makes that a little difficult, but I try to make it work because I enjoy it.


Enter last week's photoshoot: enjoyment took a backseat to embarrassment, which slid over into the passenger seat to make room for self-loathing.

The catalogue shoot was one I have done many times before. The clothes are "bargain-value:" aka, cheap fabric, slightly frumpy in nature. The models are to arrive "hair-and-makeup-ready:" aka, do it yourself because we can't afford professionals to do it for you. The advertisements appeal to the average consumer, so the models are normally what the business would call "average:" aka, pretty, not unattainably gorgeous; fit, not absurdly thin.

So imagine my surprise, when after slipping into my too-tight, belly-button-high jeans and oversized, bell-sleeved purple sweater, I arrive on the set to see that I am going to have a partner - a 5'10", size 0 woman with long, flowing brunette locks and a face that belongs on a runway in Milan.

What is SHE doing here?! I consider feigning illness but am swept onto the set and the photographer says, "Ok! Get close! Look friendly! You're out to lunch with your best friend!"

"Just a sec!" says Miss Runway as she bends over to adjust her boobs, "I've got to get the girls into position!" Then she turns to me and says with a wink, "They just aren't the same after three kids."

SHOOT. ME. NOW.

She puts her hand on my shoulder and gets her vogue on as if she was posing for the cover of.....VOGUE!

Meanwhile, I'm feeling like the chubby girl who always gets stuck standing beside her fasionable, beanpole cousin in the family reunion picture. Did I mention I'm wearing an oversized purple sweater with bell-sleeves? And that my jeans are too tight? Miss Runway's pants had to be pinned in the back because they were too BIG. They couldn't have been more than a size 2 - I know because I looked her up on our agency's website when I got home. That's right, I couldn't resist. But I was right about her stats, thank you very much!

As the shoot wears on, we periodically check out the shots on a computer screen to see how to adjust. My adjustments included turning more to the side to try and cut myself in half. Maybe I should have just asked them to photoshop that half out, it would have been much less physically challenging.

But, as with all things in life, there are lessons:

Lesson #1: Not everyone can look the same and some people were just born to make others look worse.

Lesson #2: Unless you are over 5'9" and under a size 6, do not wear light colored tight jeans and large purple sweaters with bell sleeves.

Lesson #3: Make sure you have people in your life to help you put things in perspective:
You're right Tyler, she's probably not as nice as me. And Mom, sure, I'll try and believe that they put me in those horrible clothes because they thought maybe I could pull them off.

I'm off to make a delicious garlic cheese spread for my weekend at the lake - and you can be sure this purple toad won't be counting her calories: skinny toads look weird, anyway.